Like a no-holds-barred shower scene in a porn movie, a sex swing promises a hot, passionate orgasm-fest. In reality, what it delivers is an experiment testing your ability to overcome awkwardness.

DH bought us a sex swing as a Christmas stocking stuffer one year. The swing is a puzzle of wide black straps, some of which are covered in a black and white zebra-print fake fur. When in use, the swing is suspended from the biggest eye hook I’ve ever seen; DH put one hook in his office and one in our bedroom, both screwed into sturdy beams.

If we want to use the sex swing, first there is the set up. More than half of “swing time” is spent figuring out which straps go where. DH finally arranges it for my entry and holds it gingerly, lest I disturb a strap’s placement and he has to start over. I position my rear on one fuzzy strap and my back on the other. I slip my ankles in two loops at the end of two more straps, which hold my legs straight out in front of me. Once I am in it, there is always more adjusting to be done, further delaying any romance.

So I’m finally in the swing. If DH has adjusted the straps just right, he can stand and have his way with me. I try to concentrate on our mutual pleasure. One strap is already digging into my back. I am trying to keep my head upright since the angle of the seat forces my head backward, and my legs are just drifting willy nilly back and forth. Nothing is staying still, and DH has a hard time getting any traction. (I tried sewing some extra padding into the back strap before the next session. Didn’t help.)

We have used the swing about three or four times, but sex swing sex was far from passionate. It was along the lines of, “Are we done yet?”

I asked DH about his opinion of the sex swing. He said the sex swing fantasy is nothing like it is in reality. In fact, he doesn’t even care to try that experiment again.

The swing will reside in its box under the bed–until the next time we wonder how hot sex swing sex is. But frankly, watching porn together might be more, um, productive.