I like a good orgasm. Heck, I’ll take a mediocre one. Ideally, I want my orgasm and then his.

I’ve always been goal-oriented when it comes to sex. The problem is that orgasm is not a light switch you flip especially when you are over 50. This is true for men and women alike. Orgasm require desire and arousal, a delicate balance of mind and body.

DH says, why is it necessary to have an orgasm? When he says this, I usually I just look at him with facial contortions akin to eating a really sour apple. But he encourages me to be okay with the physical intimacy that we already have. And I really can’t answer the question “Is it necessary to have an orgasm?” because we have had some hot sex that didn’t follow my “hers then his” model at all.

Here’s the problem: Assuming that orgasm will be a part of sex creates expectations. And expectations can result in disappointment. And I don’t like being disappointed.

Without an orgasm, what is left? Well, isn’t that just the most ridiculous question you could ever ask a 50-year-old person with years of experience (literally) below the belt?

Here is my list of possibilities:

*Warning: everything in this list may lead to orgasm. 

  • Intercourse without orgasm
  • Playing with sex toys
  • Kissing and licking everywhere
  • Full body touching and stroking
  • Slow sensual touch
  • Full body massage with baby oil (my favorite!)
  • Oral sex
  • Anal sex
  • Mutual masturbation
  • Sex in other rooms or outside
  • Trying a new sex position out of a book (laughter ensues)
  • Role playing and talking about fantasies
  • Bondage

All of the items in this list have been done by DH and myself. Not all have led to orgasm. But all were a darn good time.

DH must be on to something because even marriage experts advise against goal-oriented sex. Instead, they suggest creating “non-demand” sexual situations. In other words, discovering intimacy where the only goal is enjoyment of each other, leaving the expectations and relationship issues at the door.

Think about all that sex can be. A lingering hug. Kissing softly. A lick on the neck. Caressing curves slowly. Feeling skin on skin. Whispering a dirty thought that makes you both smile. A surge of love for your partner.

I want to feel the muscles of DH’s shoulder. I want to tangle our legs together. I want to feel his mouth suck my breast. If there is an orgasm for someone in that mix, great. If not, oh, well. I have to let that go.

DH is still encouraging me to be okay with no-orgasm sex. As our frequency has declined, my demands have increased. I want my darn orgasm. I readily admit that I have an underlying fear that intercourse will go away completely someday, too.  One creative solution is this: make your own darn orgasm. If I really want an orgasm and it doesn’t happen during sex, DH leaves the bedroom and I stay. Whatever it takes, I give myself one.

Here’s the deal: there will be an orgasm next time for one of us. I love my orgasms but I take a lot of pleasure in his, too. We both have two hands to self-service, if absolutely necessary.

I still get a thrill from being with DH and sharing physical intimacy. I love just hugging and kissing him, pressing my body up against his. I do know that when I let go of my expectations, I’m happier with our sex life, and you know, that relaxed state of mind might just lead to an orgasm.