I was reading a book about sex over 50 and was getting scared. It had been weeks since we last got frisky. I didn’t want my mind and body to forget how to have sex. I want my sensuality intact for the rest of my life. 

I told DH, “Apparently, I need to masturbate more. It’s good for me. You know, so my parts don’t wither away.” This is what I know: pleasure is about desire, or wanting to have sex in your mind. I also know that our genitals require blood flow to keep in good working order. So, I am not going to go gentle into that good night of withering and forgetting.

“So…we’ll meet later and masturbate together,” he said. That’s my DH. 

I raced to get my work done for the day but DH made it into bed before me. He waited while I lit the hazelnut sex candles (how can you have sex without candles?!) and turned on the space heater. 

My new L-shaped vibrator was in its black silky bag by the bed. (This thing has a wall plug-in, a USB cord, a user guide, and a remote!) I sat on the edge of the bed with it in my lap, wondering how to turn it on. This process took several minutes of trial and error. Meanwhile, DH meditated silently with his penis. 

Finally I was ready to get into bed with the vibe, remote and lube bottle in my hand. As soon as I laid down, bam! I dropped the lube bottle on my face, exclaiming in surprise. It can’t be easy, can it?

I snuggled under the covers with DH and we started doing what we both know best to do. And then I felt it–slowly and insistently pushing its way out. The largest and stinkiest emanation of the entire year slipped from between my delicate cheeks. Of course, we both laughed.

My point is, as you’ve read here before, sex is not linear, it’s not easy, and it’s certainly not always beautifully romantic. After 50, there may be more challenges but there are also more opportunities to create new ways of making love with your partner, even without intercourse. Find them! In the meantime, practicing having sex can be a hell of a lot of fun if you laugh at yourself. 

And, yes, a good time was had by all…