A question I hear often is: “How do I get my wife to…?” (Fill in the blank here–and I’m not talking about making goulash.) I do not have an easy answer to that complicated question. I walk over to DH. I ask, “I got the question from someone. Tell me your answer again.”

He always has an answer for this one.  In fact, he is quite passionate when he talks about it.

“Remember about 18 years ago? You didn’t think you were sexy at that time, with three young kids. I thought you were sexy. I always have. I wanted to buy you lingerie, vibrators, sex toys–anything that would get you hot.

“I came to understand lingerie wasn’t going to work. I understood that the best laid plans in my head weren’t going anywhere. So now after 30 years, I have found things that work and some that don’t. I have listened to you, experimented and watched your reactions. In fact, I’m kind of tired of figuring out things that are going to work with you.

“Like, how do I know what you like when I finger you? I know that you like it when I do it up here.” Suddenly he leans over and fingers me on top of my jeans. Yes, it feels good and I giggle at the unexpected touch.

“But I know that you don’t like it so much when I do it down here,”  he says. His fingers slide farther down. I am just laughing now.

Okay, DH, you’re getting me off topic. So what is the solution? How do you get your partner to do something you would like sexually? We all have the same question: how do I get my partner to hold me, or compliment me, or ride me hard? How do I get to steamy, satisfying, OMG sex?

“Take her out to dinner.”

What?

“Quit trying to fuck her. Take her out to dinner. Have a relationship with her. Talk to her. Romance her. Tell her she is beautiful. Laugh together. Listen to her. Watch what her body tells you. Take her out to dinner where sex is not on the menu–that’s a good start. You’ll have hours of wonderful foreplay without even touching her. It’s called a relationship, and that is how you start.

“You just take her out to dinner. That is all.”