Maybe you’ve done this, too: compile a Sex List. My most recent Sex List was a combination of “Have you ever…?” and “Do you want to try…?” Sex in a car – check. One night stand – check. Flirted with a married person – check. Anal – check. Kissed a woman – check. Threesome (with DH) – check. Anything I could think of went on The Sex List. Behind each item, I typed my response if I had done it–or if I wanted to.

I emailed the list to DH and in a couple hours, received an answer. DH listed his responses in blue next to my red ones. We were pretty evenly matched but there was some new information about his sexual history and his To Do list.

Another light bulb moment: Here was a guide to start talking about our fantasies and choosing those that made us both hot–in reality or just in fantasy.

Over the next few months, we talked about The Sex List. We talked about everything we could think of, and then looked for the deep down sources of pleasure. We explored what really turned us on in our core. We dissected how we experienced pleasure and why. We exposed secret sides of ourselves to each other that we have never spoken about in 30 years together. This is not a place most couples go. Ever.

We began to understand each other in a new way. This conversation has been going on for years at this point. We are not always sure how to act on this new information. Some fantasies we have been checked off the list, in real life and in our heads, and some remain question marks. This ongoing journey has solidified our emotional intimacy especially the feeling that we can tell each other anything. We call it our sexual journey, and the ironic part is, we ourselves don’t even know where it is going.

It started with The Sex List and the willingness to be honest and open. If you are not on a journey with your partner, then where are you?